Fighting and arguing may lead to pulling you apart from your partner in one way or the other in a relationship. But if you apologize to your partner in a good way, you can be together again stopping the hurt and resentment.
Do you know what is the most needed thing in this world? It’s love. To love and to be loved. But the problem of most of us is that no love can satisfy us. Because the love of this world has two problems:
1) Love of this world is full of expectations, frustrations or selfishness. People love us for what they expect us to be and not who we are. They like us and they make the relationship based on whether we fulfil their expectations.
2) I am not saying that all relationships are like that only. But if a relationship is free from these diseases of expectations and frustrations then time takes one or the other way.
So, can we afford to wake up with a regret tomorrow morning? Can we afford to carry any grudges in our heart? What if we don’t get even a chance to apologize to our loved one for our mistakes! What if they are not with us tomorrow! We will carry it in our heart all our life.
In our relationships either it’s the people who disappoint us or it is the time which disappoints us.
So, for your beautiful relationship who you want to last the next 100 years, never miss an opportunity to apologize to your partner. If apologized in a good way, your relationship can heal. It can bring your partner closer to you again and thus can lead to a more healthy relationship.
1) Don’t go defensive
An argument takes its next level on if you will stand defensive. Reacting from a place of defensiveness can lead to shifting blames (“but you did this! You did that!”), misinterpretations and avoiding responsibility (“it’s not my fault”).
While playing defensive you forget to understand the things from another person’s angle. Instead, while into an argument try to understand the other person, and don’t try to win that argument. If you think you have won an argument, you haven’t actually.
Remember the argument isn’t about you or about the other person. It’s not even about being right. Its all about understanding each other and making the relationship healthier.
2) Identify and understand your partner’s feeling
Identifying your partner’s state of mind and understand their feelings is very important. But for that, you need to overcome the problem I mentioned above i.e, Defensiveness. Once you put aside being defensive you will be able to empathize with your partner.
You might have not said that exactly or meant that for what you said to your partner but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how those words or statements have impacted your partner.
You need to practise empathy for your relationship. Without it, you won’t be able to understand how your words have impacted your partner and the argument will continue and may take bad shapes building resentments over time.
3) Acknowledge the impact of your words
You can start by saying: “I can understand how you must be feeling…” or “It sounds like you are feeling…”.
This will help in reaching to the root cause of the argument. Maybe your partner has some sort of issue with you which he or she wanted to discuss since long but you were not reachable. Or maybe they are worried because they might not feel wanted. So, before you discuss the possible problem, first acknowledge the feelings of your partner to reach the root cause.
Talking about feelings of what your partner is going through, calms them, makes them feel important or listened to. They will be more open to you to share their concerns peacefully with love.
4) Apologize for your actions and their impact on them
After understanding and acknowledging the impact of your actions or words, it’s time to apologize with the words like “I’m sorry for what I made you feel by saying….”. Don’t say “I’m sorry you felt…”. Don’t try to put the blame on your partner for what they inferred or not by saying such things.
In relationships rather than apologizing for what you did, it becomes more important to apologize for how your actions or words have impacted your partner. This way you take the ownership of your actions and impact it has on your partner.
“When you say sorry to someone, it doesn’t mean you are wrong;
That just means you value the other person more than being right”
5) Take Responsibility
Take the responsibility of your actions rather than putting it on your partner. Say to them that these are the areas on which I would be working on so that such things don’t repeat. Share your plans for strengthening your relationship at your end.
Taking responsibilities in a relationship rebuilds trust and helps setting small goals to achieve for what you are going to do to strengthen your relationship.
6) No ifs and buts
The main motive of apologizing is to repair the damage you did to the relationship. Now, Don’t let your apology killed by using statements like “It wouldn’t have happened if…”, “I will never do such thing again but…” Don’t make excuses or make it conditional.
If you are apologizing to your partner because you want the apology from their end as well, then you apologizing for the wrong reason. The main aim to acknowledge and apologize for your actions is to repair the damage and control it. Do honestly what is there in your hand with all your heart. Maybe your partner would do the same in return or before you next time.
Don’t forget: Deal with the arguments in your relationships as opportunities to make your relationship better and healthier.
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