relationships

Takeaways from my Relationship that lasted 4 years

I took many learnings from that relationship. So, I don’t remember it as a bad memory but rather a very helpful experience I must have had.

In 2013, I was in the last semester of my degree course and was feeling perplexed in the thoughts of what’s next in my career, like most of you must have also thought in the past or will be thinking one day. Then one day an abrupt development happened and slowly & gradually I entered into something which mattered the most to me in my life and at the same time the one in which I regretted my blunders the most.

One day out of the blue I got a facebook message from a girl who used to be a junior in my school. The only thing I remembered was her name and that once I had a conversation with her regarding one of the gonna be event in our school.

As such there was nothing that can be considered to ponder upon in that FB message, so I normally replied to her message fulfilling the purpose. That simple, seem to be the futile conversation, later on, in a few days resulted in a casual and friendly conversation. And slowly and gradually, under the impression that things are going well and we both are understanding each other, we developed mutual interests & feelings and thus entered into a relationship after 2-3 meetings. Though it was on a fast track, it was good. It used to feel really nice talking to her endlessly on phone calls, on messages or when we both used to meet.

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Photo by Jared Sluyter on Unsplash

Being 22 at that time, that too when you don’t know the depths of people and the world, everything seems comparatively fair than what it becomes once a few more years pass by. We both spent quality time whenever we met. At times, there were misunderstandings and fights, sometimes small and sometimes big like any other relationship. But we used to resolve such things in a day or two and sometimes even by the end of the same day.

But after almost 2 years the things started taking fold. Unlike before, the fights and arguments became tenser, more serious and to an extent that I broke up with her due to various issues and incidences of mistrust and misunderstanding. But after a few weeks, I realized that I shouldn’t have run from the situation and see the breakup as the possible solution to resort to. Instead, no matter how much hurt I was feeling, I should talk and settle the things for both of us again. I should have dealt it somehow, should have given her a chance. Might be she would have done the same thing if she has been in my place. And so, did the same thing and luckily the things came back on track once again.

Few months passed happily but again the arguments and fights because of trust issues, our egos, frustration, misunderstandings and few major blunders put an end to things. And this time for always. An end to the things which meant the world to me. An end of the person whom I loved more than my life.

Though I cannot write away the takeaways juxtaposing them against the mentions from that timeline, but yes I can very well combine all those unfortunate days and nights when we were crucifying our relationship knowingly or unknowingly and can give you the takeaways or my learnings.

Self-love

In the past, the only thing which used to matter to me was her. Those days in my priority list, she used to be first and I somewhere lost and ranked down in the list. A mistake!! Big one!!

Self-love means you value your physical and mental health above everything else, and you’re not afraid of being alone.

Self-love is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It took a lot of time to realize how codependent my relationship with my ex-girlfriend actually was, but by the time I learned to understand this fact, my relationship was over. Your love for yourself gives you a broader picture of the things and the world. You cannot love and dedicate yourself to the other person until you are in love with yourself, honour yourself and stays dedicated to yourself.

Stop Fantasizing

I have always been a daydreamer. Seriously, I was and now sometimes thinking about it I laugh upon myself. Those days, I would spend hours with random thoughts about her in my head, used to write stupid and long romantic messages to her. Fantasize about the things which make me feel happy from inside. Planning of the life we were going to live, what I would be doing for her on her birthday, what special should I say to her tomorrow which makes her super happy, what should I cook as a surprise for her, engagement ring, marriage plans and what not. I never gave the reality a closer look and that’s why I grew my expectations enormously.

Fantasizing and thinking about your partner no doubt makes you feel good, but when it comes to love and relationship, it’s most of the time useless, as it doesn’t prepare you for the will and thought-process of the person about whom you are dreaming.


Life doesn’t go the way you want or wish. They don’t say the things you would like to hear, they don’t make the decisions you would like them to make, they don’t understand what you are thinking for them just by looking at you, as you would like them to do.


Daydreaming blocks the sight of all the danger flags you should be able to see before something big happens. It can also prevent you from seeing your own actions clearly, and that’s when you hurt your loved ones the most.

Love needs you to be in reality for 100% of the time. Don’t hide in your own imaginations as it would not help you in any form ultimately.

Self-Control

Though I have realized and learned it too late, self-control is the factor which could have helped me manage and control situations which otherwise turned into nightmares and regrets. Wise men said, “Words once spoken to someone, cannot be withdrawn.” It’s like an arrow released from a bow which will hit somewhere very hard for sure.

I and my ex should have had self-control on ourselves. It’s really important because if you don’t have self control within you, you may speak out or do something in anger which will have a devastating effect on your partner and thus on your relationship in short or long term.

Love is less of a feeling. It’s more of an exercise or an intention you hold towards the other person. Consider your partner a new person every day, forget what bad happened yesterday, forgive what small thing the other person said and done yesterday. Your love will grow in new ways.

Respect each other

Whenever I rewind my days and hover the past experiences and incidences, I realize that respect was somewhere missing to a large extent. Respect is another brick in the foundation of a relationship. When you respect each other, you are halfway on the road to success and of your relationship goal. Respect in the relationship gives you a sense of understanding towards each other. Makes you and your relationship mature in profound ways. You start paying heed to small things which should be taken care of your partner.

Though it ended, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t love

That 4 years relationship of my life may have ended in a lot of pain and suffering, but it was beautiful at some point. She proved to be the woman I loved more than anything else in this world. Nothing mattered to me when it comes to her. Even today, there isn’t a single day in my life when her thought doesn’t cross my mind. But honestly, it doesn’t bother me now. Though it’s over for my own good seriously, for me still nothing in this world is more memorable than the love and dedication I had for her. But I also know there would be a day when someone else would be the right recipient of my more higher love and dedication.

The philosophy that we can love only one person truly in a lifetime  is not completely true. Our capacity for love is something which we can set gradually, and if we stay open to love, we’ll find it again.

To read other helpful posts on Relationships and Self Help click here.

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